I sit down to think about all manner of things. I allow my heart and head to wander, worry, laugh at and enjoy all sorts of things that I see, think about and mostly remember. Yes, I remember things that I saw ages ago and think about them. I look at things when on my errands and write about them. I get to hear so much in my day; most of which I give a second thought while some I just choose to let them be.
Today has been different. I just experienced a sudden pain in my heart that I can’t avoid but talk about. A pain that came in me at the most wrong time. A time that am in a setting where I can not let my tears fall freely. My heart, body, mind and soul are all disturbed. My heart is so shaky and unstable. To me it seems that life just ceased to make sense to me. I remembered my dear dad with lots of love and feelings.
Maybe my current setting reminded me of the same. Maybe not. But all the same my heart is wearied. Yes I can afford a smile just to let them think I am okay. But ideally I need a private place where I can release my feelings. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to do anything that can take away this pain.
None of you will understand why I am still attached to a man that part with me 10 years ago. Yeah, you can not understand my pain. You also may have the same story as mine, but trust me you still can’t relate to my story.
One thing have I always sought to know. One thing I have kept asking God. Why me? Was I meant to be the last to speak to him before he suddenly left me? Did he have to leave me all alone after such an attachment with him?
I lived with him during his last days with us. He showed me more love that he had ever in my life. He always treated me as a kid. I am his duplicate and to date all that knew him can attest to that. He had a sincere kind of touch with me. He was my best. He was my only one. My friend, my mentor, my daddy, my teacher, my pastor, my company, my source, my everything. He is all that I needed to live. All that I needed to get whatever I wanted. All that I needed to be happy. All that I needed to live another day.
And now that you are gone. What else do I have to live for? Is there need to love? Love and let my heart be attached to someone so much only for me to be hurt and heartbroken? Love passionately and spend 10 years mourning a soul that will never come back to me?
Dad. Wherever you are. Whatever you are doing. Whichever the reason that made you leave me behind. I still regard you as my everything. I still remember you and cry for you. I STILL LOVE YOU.
(Hope one day I will get enough grace to write something substantial in appreciation of the late Samuel Maisiba Makori and how much he and Mrs. Angeline Maisiba shaped my life. Mummy, in the midst of this pain and sorrow, My love falls for you. I love you so much)